Tag Archives: motherhood

October 8, 2014 · 10:38 pm

one step at a time

I’m a runner. Although these days I often feel like an imposter when I say that – so maybe I should instead say, “I was a runner.” Or, “I used to be a runner.” Because, honestly, I don’t run that much anymore. And not only do I not run all that much, but I also unsubscribed to Runner’s World (okay, that happened a few years back), have stopped reading running blogs, and have no idea how many miles I’ve logged in my current pair of running shoes. IMG_3258

Clearly, not a runner.

But I’ve just started to run again after my daughter was born (which you can read about here and here), and I am reminded of the tremendous humility it takes to do something that was once easy. Not only was I a runner, once, but I was a good runner. Not an Olympian, not competitive on an elite team, but good for an average person.

I started running in middle school and haven’t really stopped since. There have been injuries and long, icy winters and months when I was bored or uninspired or too busy – but for the most part, I’ve been running for about two decades. So it’s never been that hard for me to go for a short run, or a quick run, or a short, quick run.

And then I had two kids. In less than two years. And let me tell you, that does a number on your body.

And now it IS that hard to go for a short run, or a quick run. And my short, quick runs are shorter and much less quick than before.  Continue reading →

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October 3, 2014 · 5:54 am

Food for Thought Fridays

fancy food

In the spirit of trying to establish a bit of routine (and since I LOVE routines), I have decided to start sharing a blog post written by someone else every Friday. I have a long list of these already that I’m eager to share with you, and each one has resonated deeply with me deeply.

So here’s the first!

Your Body is Not Your Masterpiece. This was passed around on the internet quite a bit a few months ago, but I’d also read it on Glennon’s blog, which I totally adore. She really tells it like it is, and usually has tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks.  Continue reading →

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October 2, 2014 · 2:19 pm

becoming holy and whole

Recently, I finished reading a book by one of my favorite bloggers, Micha Boyett (amazing what spending 8-10 hours a day nursing a newborn can do for that reading list!). Found is filled with so many jewels, so many wise words, so many moments that I identify with, as a still-new-to-motherhood mom and Christian struggling with balance and identity and jealousy and prayer and faith.

Which means that I wanted to share a few nuggets with you. And mostly just encourage you to read her new (and first!) book Found, because it is awesome.

I’ve been struggling with prayer these days. (And also with showering, and bitterness, and figuring out how not to feel constantly overwhelmed. I talk about this a bit in another recent post HERE.) I know I need to pray. I think it would make me feel better. I think it would make me act better, and have more hope.  Continue reading →

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September 23, 2014 · 2:12 pm

community dreams

winniequoteSo I’ve been thinking a lot lately about community. The community that I long to have is starkly different from the community that I currently have. I dream about a community that starts with friends and grows to include spouses and children. I dream about our kids growing up together, seeing each other often and spontaneously, playing in the streets and running back and forth between houses, sharing snacks and swimsuits, sharing Thanksgiving and New Years Eve and the Fourth of July.

I dream of close friends who have “been there through thick and thin,” who show up at each other’s homes with meals and Kleenex and go out for girls’ nights and pedicures. I imagine my children growing up with a small circle of other adult figures around them, friends and mentors of mine who pray for them and help parent them, who fill in where I lack (anyone want to sew a Halloween costumes?) and who attend my kids’ weddings while recalling their first birthdays.

I am often frustrated, here in New York City, because my community doesn’t look like this. Continue reading →

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Image

choosing this life

 

These flowers were a part of our trip to Denver. NOT an indication of the state of my mind. They are lovely, right?

It has been a really long time since I’ve written. I’m sorry about that. Lots of excuses – obviously the two little ones, plus two weeks of travel (I took that photo of flowers when we were in Denver. They are lovely, right?), plus a lot of intense work preparing for an audition, plus other things, blah blah – but now here I am, ready to write again.

Well, sort of. My brain is filled with orchestral excerpts and my laundry has been scattered on the floor by the toddler (this is what I get for not putting it away immediately), and my current clothes have spit-up (newborn) and yogurt (toddler) and marker (toddler) all over them. And also, they are the same clothes that I wore yesterday since I currently only have one pair of jeans that fit. It’s hard to find the mental space and clarity to write anything that’s not a panicked text to my husband: Please pray for us. Both children have been crying for the last hour. I can’t get J to eat any dinner and HG won’t go to sleep. I am losing my mind.

But something interesting happened a few weeks ago. Out of the blue, someone reached out to me about an amazing job opportunity. It was an intense week. She needed to fill the position ASAP, so I thought and prayed and thought and prayed. I updated my resume, sent it in, had phone conversations and an in-person interview (the first question: “What can we do to make this work for you?”) and then made a decision all within nine days. And I don’t do things quickly.

Continue reading →

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September 17, 2014 · 3:35 pm
August 4, 2014 · 8:38 am

becoming four

Apparently having a newborn and a 21-month-old is no joke. I mean, not that I thought it was going to be easy, but – surprise – it’s harder than I imagined. And I have quite the imagination.

I’ve started at least a dozen blog posts since Hannah Grace was born (four weeks ago today — probably longer by the time I publish this post), but they have all been in my head. I did actually start one, but typing with only my left hand while holding a sleeping infant in my right didn’t allow me to get very far, and I probably fell asleep, was clobbered by a toddler, had to feed the infant, and/or other things before I could write more than six sentences anyway.

Also, I’m not sure if I managed to save those six sentences.

I debated dictating my posts, but wasn’t sure Siri could handle it. (Additionally, this debate took place in my head, since I rarely talk much to anyone over the age of 21 months.)

We are now a family of four, and in becoming a family of four, a change occurred. I lost our family of three. And, friends, I suck at change. Good change, bad change, inevitable change – all of it.   Continue reading →

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July 7, 2014 · 4:45 am

letter to my son

written June 19, 2014

Dearest Jacob,

We are anxiously waiting to welcome your little sister into the world and our family. You are twenty months old, and a total delight – filled with tremendous energy and curiosity, you are an endless source of entertainment and laughter, and I can no longer imagine my life without you. These past twenty months have been some of the most difficult of my life, but I am thankful for you every single day, and I will always treasure this time we’ve had as a family of three.

You will probably never remember these days. You will never remember being an only child, the very center of my attention and my world (and vice versa!). Continue reading →

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July 3, 2014 · 3:45 pm

letter to my daughter

written June 19, 2014

To my sweet daughter,

You are already so precious to me and I cannot tell you how eager I am to meet you! I have always imagined myself the mama of a daughter, and I have always wanted a little girl of my own.

Hannah Grace, your name also has a special meaning. First, your name Hannah continues and honors your daddy’s family tradition of names that begin with the letter “H.” In the Bible, Hannah is a woman of devotion and faithfulness, as well as sorrow and sacrifice, and the Hebrew setting of Hannah has the beautiful meaning of “gracious” or “graciousness” or “favor.”

As you grow older, you will learn Hannah’s story and read about how Hannah is a beautiful example of the way that unpleasant and difficult circumstances can produce a strong character that blesses the world. She suffered much because of her initial barrenness (which means that she wanted to have children of her own but couldn’t), and she cried day and night to the Lord. She trusted that He heard her prayers and knew of her sadness. Because of her godliness, devotion, trust, patience, and self-sacrifice, she was especially blessed by God, and was given a son (Samuel) who brought great glory and honor to God.  Continue reading →

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June 30, 2014 · 5:36 am

waiting

It seems to bring out the worst in me.

To be fair, I’ve never been an especially patient person. And this waiting is particularly difficult. I’m jealous and angry and frustrated and even more impatient than usual.

BUT. The waiting has been teaching me a few things too.

The first week of waiting for our daughter’s birth as the due date approached was fun and filled with “treats.” My husband and I spent more time together during that week than possibly in the entire month beforehand (what a luxury!), Continue reading →

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June 25, 2014 · 7:07 am

living as a prisoner

Last time, I wrote about motherhood as a “career,” as an identity. But there’s an important second chapter to that discussion.

I am a Christian.

How does my faith come into this? What does identifying as a Christian mean for my struggle to feel worthy, to find value in what I do and who I am? How should my beliefs affect my identity?

I remember when, as a teenager, I first really started learning about the Christian faith – as something other than going to church with my mom and sister on Christmas and Easter. There was a lot of talk in my friends’ Presbyterian youth group about “their identity in Christ” and “finding their worth in Christ.”

These were mysterious ideas to me. My identity was in being a high school senior, a varsity cross-country runner, a violist. My worth resided in my hard and consistent work at everything I tackled, my good grades, and how I was hopefully headed towards an Ivy League school for college.  Continue reading →

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