new year, new purpose

So it’s a new year! And, with the New Year, a new post, and also a new purpose for this space. I recently read that famous passage Christians like to quote about how “we have this treasure in jars of clay.”[1] We carry around a treasure – and this treasure is found in a jar made of clay. It’s not necessarily a beautiful, glazed, perfected jar, but a clay jar. It’s probably a simple jar. An unimpressive jar. Possibly even a broken jar. But it’s not the jar that is important – isn’t that the idea? It’s the treasure inside.

This got me thinking: what is my treasure? 

Of course, the central idea in this passage (which is from 2 Corinthians in the New Testament) is that Christians “carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body” – we carry around a hope and faith in all the promises of Jesus.

And so, as a believing and practicing Christian, it’s true that my treasure is that unique hope that I have.

But also – my treasure is my family, my life, my daily struggles and deep thoughts and tiny epiphanies. It’s my kids and my husband, my parents and my sister and my extended family. It’s my far-away friends and close-by friends, who are all like family in different ways.

What is your treasure?

As I’ve been thinking about my treasure, I’ve been thinking about how it relates to this space. If my writing here is to be authentic, shouldn’t I be sharing my authentic treasure?

I still want to “explore the intersection of faith, motherhood, and depression” in my writing here – as my subtitle reads. I still want to share honestly both the dark places and the light.

However, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, there’s been a cold stop to my blogging in the past six months. I think that – at least in part – I’ve become a bit paralyzed by the initial mission that I set up for this space. I’ve wanted to make each entry perfect. I’ve wanted each post to have the perfect structure, use the perfect language, meet the perfect word count, and embody a perfectly deep and stimulating and inspiring idea.

(I think it’s also possible that I’ve been just a bit paralyzed by Getting Started Again, after a busy summer out of the regular routine and then the difficulty of quiet headspace amidst a fall when I have become more invested in, fulfilled by, and exhausted by – if possible – my family life. I mean, it’s just possible.)

I do still want this space to fulfill my initial mission – but it’s hard to write about that all the time. And I’m not sure it’s the most authentic writing, either – trying to fit each post into that box, instead of sharing what’s going on day by day, week by week – the things that are truly my treasure. Isn’t this the most authentic part of myself?

While that shadow of depression and those thoughts about faith and the way motherhood informs and colors it all is always a backdrop, it’s not always the forefront. (Also, sometimes it’s just HARD to write about that stuff in the moment, when it IS the forefront!)

If I’m going to share my treasure here, it means sharing more of the daily struggles with and joys of motherhood, the important-just-because-they’re-on-my-mind things. Sometimes my mind is filled with thoughts about work and fulfillment, the discoveries and solace in faith, the lessons of and victories over depression – and sometimes it’s filled with toddler activities and creative discipline and what it means to love. And all of these things are my treasure.

So – in this New Year, I’m not making any promises about how often I’ll start posting – although I do want to write more, and have missed writing – but I am going to say that I’ll be writing a bit differently. I won’t be writing and rewriting each post, attempting to make each one all those perfect things, trying to perfectly demonstrate “the intersection of motherhood, faith, and depression.” But I will be writing about the things that are my treasure – all of them.

Here’s to a new space – in the New Year.

 

[1] “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” 2 Corinthians 4: 7-10