Tag Archives: grace

February 28, 2015 · 11:29 pm

a mother’s choices

Motherhood is filled with hard choices. Lately, I’m constantly deciding which of my children comes first.

Maaaaamaaaaaa! Jacob hollers, banging his hands on the sides of his crib insistently with all the power and energy of a two-year-old.

Wake-up time!!!!!!! he calls, as though there was any chance I could have slept through his yelling. Nouk! Bum! Peatut burr!!!!” His way of demanding his daily breakfast: milk, banana, and peanut butter.

I glance at the clock, bleary-eyed. 6:34. At least it’s later than yesterday. I’m nursing his baby sister in my bedroom, hoping that she’ll get a halfway decent feed. The day before I’d gotten them out of bed together and she was distracted by his antics as he danced around with his milk while I tried to nurse her. I’d chosen to feed them together.

This morning, I’m choosing her. He has to wait.  Continue reading →

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February 25, 2015 · 10:34 pm

a determined hope

DSC_0965This winter, feeling tired and overwhelmed paved an easy road for hopelessness.

How’s it going? A friend would ask.

Oh, pretty well, I’d reply. It’s hard, but things are fine. You know, it’s just a different way of life now. A thin smile. We’re finding a way to make it work.

But the thing is, things were not fine, and things were definitely not working.

However, I’ve gotten really good at powering through. It’s easy for me to keep on doing and going and “yes, I’m fine”-ing (as I wrote last time). To keep showing up for meetings and attending church and getting myself and the kids dressed and out of the house.

So that’s exactly what I was doing, this fall. I just kept going and smiling and doing.

But I knew I wasn’t fine, inside. And my husband knew I wasn’t fine. And after a little more time, my kids knew I wasn’t fine.  Continue reading →

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January 7, 2015 · 9:50 pm

done

“I’m done,” I said without thinking for even one second about how to respond to his innocent “how’s it going?”

He looked at me blankly. I guess not the answer he was expecting.

“Excuse me?”

“Well, I just mean, I’m done with today. You know, ready for it to be over.”

Another blank stare. I realized that he had absolutely no idea what I was talking about.

And for a minute, I struggled to remember any other time, any time when feeling completely exhausted, worn out, used, tried beyond my patience, and completely out of energy at the end of the day – done – wasn’t the norm. Wasn’t the reality. (Not to mention that I was referring to 7:30 PM as the end of the day.)  Continue reading →

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October 24, 2014 · 8:11 am

Food for Thought Fridays: True Words

fancy food

Today I am sharing not an entire article or blog post, but simply a quote that I stumbled across a few weeks ago. The words are searing and true, and too good not to share. (Debra Ginsberg is an American author with four published books, one of which is a memoir about raising her autistic son.) The only response that I had after first reading this was Yes. Oh, yes. 

Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did – that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that – a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.

— Debra Ginsberg

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October 15, 2014 · 5:31 am

on blogging and mothering

writing deskLately I’ve noticed a striking similarity between learning to blog and learning to parent. Most notably, both require exceptional amounts of self-grace because both seem to result in exceptional amounts of expectation adjustments.

(And I’m pretty sure that I just made up the term “self-grace,” so if you’ve never heard it before, don’t feel like you are out of the loop. The idea is that both require me to have a lot of grace for myself. Radical.)

As some of you may remember, I had high hopes when I started this blog. I thought long and hard about why I wanted to write and figured that by the fall I’d be writing at least twice a week, if not more often. I’d have guest bloggers and would be writing at other blogs and on my way to a book deal.  Continue reading →

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October 8, 2014 · 10:38 pm

one step at a time

I’m a runner. Although these days I often feel like an imposter when I say that – so maybe I should instead say, “I was a runner.” Or, “I used to be a runner.” Because, honestly, I don’t run that much anymore. And not only do I not run all that much, but I also unsubscribed to Runner’s World (okay, that happened a few years back), have stopped reading running blogs, and have no idea how many miles I’ve logged in my current pair of running shoes. IMG_3258

Clearly, not a runner.

But I’ve just started to run again after my daughter was born (which you can read about here and here), and I am reminded of the tremendous humility it takes to do something that was once easy. Not only was I a runner, once, but I was a good runner. Not an Olympian, not competitive on an elite team, but good for an average person.

I started running in middle school and haven’t really stopped since. There have been injuries and long, icy winters and months when I was bored or uninspired or too busy – but for the most part, I’ve been running for about two decades. So it’s never been that hard for me to go for a short run, or a quick run, or a short, quick run.

And then I had two kids. In less than two years. And let me tell you, that does a number on your body.

And now it IS that hard to go for a short run, or a quick run. And my short, quick runs are shorter and much less quick than before.  Continue reading →

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October 2, 2014 · 2:19 pm

becoming holy and whole

Recently, I finished reading a book by one of my favorite bloggers, Micha Boyett (amazing what spending 8-10 hours a day nursing a newborn can do for that reading list!). Found is filled with so many jewels, so many wise words, so many moments that I identify with, as a still-new-to-motherhood mom and Christian struggling with balance and identity and jealousy and prayer and faith.

Which means that I wanted to share a few nuggets with you. And mostly just encourage you to read her new (and first!) book Found, because it is awesome.

I’ve been struggling with prayer these days. (And also with showering, and bitterness, and figuring out how not to feel constantly overwhelmed. I talk about this a bit in another recent post HERE.) I know I need to pray. I think it would make me feel better. I think it would make me act better, and have more hope.  Continue reading →

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August 4, 2014 · 8:38 am

becoming four

Apparently having a newborn and a 21-month-old is no joke. I mean, not that I thought it was going to be easy, but – surprise – it’s harder than I imagined. And I have quite the imagination.

I’ve started at least a dozen blog posts since Hannah Grace was born (four weeks ago today — probably longer by the time I publish this post), but they have all been in my head. I did actually start one, but typing with only my left hand while holding a sleeping infant in my right didn’t allow me to get very far, and I probably fell asleep, was clobbered by a toddler, had to feed the infant, and/or other things before I could write more than six sentences anyway.

Also, I’m not sure if I managed to save those six sentences.

I debated dictating my posts, but wasn’t sure Siri could handle it. (Additionally, this debate took place in my head, since I rarely talk much to anyone over the age of 21 months.)

We are now a family of four, and in becoming a family of four, a change occurred. I lost our family of three. And, friends, I suck at change. Good change, bad change, inevitable change – all of it.   Continue reading →

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July 3, 2014 · 3:45 pm

letter to my daughter

written June 19, 2014

To my sweet daughter,

You are already so precious to me and I cannot tell you how eager I am to meet you! I have always imagined myself the mama of a daughter, and I have always wanted a little girl of my own.

Hannah Grace, your name also has a special meaning. First, your name Hannah continues and honors your daddy’s family tradition of names that begin with the letter “H.” In the Bible, Hannah is a woman of devotion and faithfulness, as well as sorrow and sacrifice, and the Hebrew setting of Hannah has the beautiful meaning of “gracious” or “graciousness” or “favor.”

As you grow older, you will learn Hannah’s story and read about how Hannah is a beautiful example of the way that unpleasant and difficult circumstances can produce a strong character that blesses the world. She suffered much because of her initial barrenness (which means that she wanted to have children of her own but couldn’t), and she cried day and night to the Lord. She trusted that He heard her prayers and knew of her sadness. Because of her godliness, devotion, trust, patience, and self-sacrifice, she was especially blessed by God, and was given a son (Samuel) who brought great glory and honor to God.  Continue reading →

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May 7, 2014 · 3:12 am

tough week

This has been a tough week. The last several weeks have been tough weeks. Clearly, an ideal time to start a blog – to share the dirt and drama in a public space, for all to see. Luckily, I’ve generally been one to do things that make sense – so this falls right in line. (That last bit was a joke. It’s hard for a depressed person to be funny, so bear with me. And I’m not terribly funny even on a good day.)

My mom used to call me her “long-shot daughter” because I always went after things that she deemed long-shots…you know, the usual sorts of things, like applying to spend a summer studying monkeys in Bali when I had no background in behavioral science or field research; getting into a college that my college counselor told me was a waste of application fee; convincing a publishing house to hire me when I had never edited anyone’s words other than my own; etc.

I won’t bore you with my mottled resume, but wanted to say that doing this – starting a blog at a time when I can barely get dressed in the morning – seems appropriately “long-shot” and therefore, very me.  Continue reading →

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