For years friends and colleagues have encouraged me to start a blog. I have always been a writer, I’ve kept a journal since the third grade, and I especially love to write long emails about my travels in and observations of new places. But a blog? I struggled with finding the right niche and put off the idea of blogging for years.
Being a mother is hard for me (which I wrote about here). I love my children with every fiber of my being – but it’s hard. Even before kids, depression had constantly colored my story, and the dark days, hopelessness, and volatile, out-of-control emotions are all too familiar. I had nightmares about post-partum depression before I was even engaged. My first son was born, and those early months were hard, but happy. Depression did not rear its ugly head.
But after ten, eleven months – things started to change. The Fall started, often a difficult time for me. And I experienced a new kind of depression – depression as a mother. As a woman with a dependent – a needy, wonderful child who relied on me for everything and saw the whole world through my eyes. And I felt alone – even more alone than in previous bouts with the silent enemy. Other moms seemed to delight in their motherhood, seemed more stable than I, seemed to have outgrown any feelings of desperation that might have surfaced during the early days of sleep deprivation and diaper blow-outs.
Was I the only one to face this? Why did I feel like an albatross? It’s been hard for me to understand depression in the context of my faith (read more about that here); now I began to see another dimension.
And a few dark months later, the concept for this blog began to emerge. Like most blogs, it’s a blog about my life. Some posts will be about my faith, and some posts will be about music. Some posts will be about parenting and some posts will be about traveling. And some posts will be about depression. Some will be about depression and my faith, and some will be about depression and my family. It’s a blog that explores the intersection of all these things – motherhood and recurring depression, faith and life in New York City.
What is it like to struggle with hopelessness and have young children? Is it ok to be depressed and a Christian? How does a woman navigate leaving her full-time job in New York City to stay at home, build a career as a freelancer, and act as the primary caretaker of her children and “COO” of the household? Come along with me on the journey. I don’t offer answers, but I promise to be authentic, to be honest, and to be vulnerable. And to share with you my experience of grace…in the darkness.